MATT'S TOP 10 NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
10 To watch more 'tabloid TV'.
9 To cleverly use more creatively expressive adverbs.
8 To do my part in ridding Golden Gate Park of homeless...by putting cots on Willie Brown's front lawn.
7 To sabotage the 'Hanson' tour jet.
6 To quit blaming all my problems on 
5 To curtail my habit of surfing the net hours on end for nude pictures of Chelsea Clinton.
4
3 To spank a 'Spice Girl'.
2 To stop ripping of David Letterman's intellectual property.
1 Two words: More Pie.
THE TOP 10 THINGS YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW
ABOUT SAN FRANCISCO
10 Market Street soon to be renamed Huey Lewis Boulevard.
9 Originally named 'Yerba Buena', a local Native American phrase which roughly translates to: 'City on Many Hills with No Parking to Speak Of'
8 Haight-Ashbury district is now a theme park called 'Homeless Hippy Land'.
7 This city IS actually built on Rock 'n Roll!
6 In the catacombs beneath the Transamerica pyramid are the mummified remains of Cyril Magnin, and his dog 'Tippy'.
5 Coit Tower is actually supposed to be a firehose. (Yeah, right!)
4 The city's 'gay' population is actually not homosexual, but just really quite happy.
3 The people on those fake cable cars with wheels that you see around town, are just sad.
2 Honorary mayor of San Francisco: Steve Perry, frontman for Journey.
1 Visitors' hearts litter the streets.
THE TOP 10 NAMES OF TV SHOWS
IF THEY WERE BASED ON MATT'S LIFE
10 "Hipster" [Premise: Matt is a normal Joe who moves to San Francisco. Suddenly he's smoking cigars and drinking Manhattans and playing pool with other 'media types'...because EVERYBODY in San Francisco is hip, NO MATTER WHAT!]
9 "Those Darn Lesbian Goth-Chicks Upstairs!" [Matt is looking for love in the big city...but he only seems to fall for lesbian goth-chicks! Yucks a-plenty!]
8 "America's Most Disoriented" [A program showcasing the numerous crazy and/or homeless people Matt runs into on a daily basis in San Francisco (special guest star, Margot Kidder).]
7 "Your Mother!" [Matt's wise-cracking co-worker keeps the comedy coming with a catch phrase that just never gets old!]
6 "Suddenly Matt" [Matt lives in an apartment next door to Brooke Sheilds, who has recently left her fiance at the altar and is starting a new life on her own...and it's REALLY lame!]
5 "Goin' in Circles" [Matt just can't seem to find parking in this wacked-out road-show comedy!]
4 "What's That Smell?" [The laughs come fast and furious as Matt's room-mate constantly finds food left in the microwave and in the fridge and in the sofa!]
3 "This *@#$%! Computer" [Matt's computer just keeps on crashing!! Hilarity ensues.]
2 "The Third Wheel" [It seems all of Matt's friends are in serious relationships, and guess who's caught in the middle!? NON-STOP NUTTINESS!!]
1 "The Bitter Guy" [Matt's this guy...and he's really, really bitter.]
THE TOP 10 NAMES OF MATT
AND HIS FRIENDS IF THEY WERE CANDY
(inspired by Alan Clark)
10 Torresola Treats
9 Bruce's Hunks-a-Hatred
8 Mika 'n Anika Brittle
7 Mike's Chocolately Cheese Chunk
6 Big Myron's Nugget 'O Love
5 Casey's Country-Western Log
4 Tart 'n Tangy Tony Taffy
3 Yogurt-covered Sarafians
2 Licorice Lamey Whips
1 Matt Duds
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